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The Five to Fifteen Minutes Thread.
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deer of the dawn
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 2:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am glad to see our protagonista has set boundaries.

Will he try to break them, I wonder?

Or will he break down?
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Sorus
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 1:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now, you've been busy. Nice.

I've been busy too, but nothing I can post. (Mostly because it would lack context.)
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Linna Heartlistener
what if you are a sine qua non for a redemption?

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2017 1:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You guys!
How is it that y'all - my writing group - know where my story is going when I don't?
I didn't even think my story was going anywhere - I thought it was done!
(which is irrational given that huge focus on the mom stashing the kids at neighbor's houses. And that I NEVER used that. and I guess the word "boundaries" was big-time foreshadowing early on. deer.)

Sorus- Thank you for the encouragement!
I saw that you'd been doin' writing, and I am glad.
Having enough context is HUGE, so okay, I guess I have to agree with that assessment.
(tho I selfishly wish to see your work.)

Back to my writing.
What came just before:
I came back and turned on the outdoor light.
And I opened the door, just as wide as the security chain would let me.
When dawn came, it would be a cold light, blue-white through the leaves of the trees across the alley.
But now we had the electric light, making noise from some bug stuck in it or something.

And I cut the cupcake in half and squeaked the halves through, each on their own paper plate, eyes down, focused on the things I was handling.
Cars. It had Lightning McQueen on it. Dang. He'd recognize re-used kid's birthday party fare. If he noticed.
And his hands took them.
And he ate.
"Thank you," he said.
And he looked up, looked at me through the 4-inch opening of the door.
"And I'm sorry."

I looked back at him.
"I second that sentiment. Sorry, too."


And now:


Can I see the kids now?" he asked.

I thought I was done. Wasn't my work done? Why couldn't I be done?
I'd held my peace, I'd hung in there, I'd fed my enemy when he was hungry.
You take that step forward, and then you get redemption, right? Redemption in a birthday cupcake. With oily frosting and rainbow sprinkles, right? Close that chapter in a book and turn the page, right?
So why this, now?

I wanted so badly to close my eyes, sit down on the carpet, and lean back against the wall, even if it was by the door.
But it was my turn, so I spoke:
"No."
"Why not? They're my kids, aren't they?"
"It's 3am on a weeknight and they need their sleep."
"Yeah, but they need their dad."
"Yes, they do. You are right about that."
I just wish you'd remember that on the weekends that are yours.
"You're not going to let me in, are you?" he asked.
"Yes, yes. You're right about that, too."

He took a deep breath, put his face right by the opening to the door.
I could see the golden security chain hanging down right in front of his eyes.
And then bellowed. "Michael! Annie! Chelsea! Ty!"
I acted more panicked than I was, and hissed, "Stanley! Shhh!"
And I flapped my hands around, as if I cared about placating him just now.
"Sheerrr-iie! I need my kids. I'm not around enough, and it sets me back in my relationship with them."
I pulled myself up to my full height and looked him straight in the eye: "You know it would set you back even more if..."
But then I trailed off.
If they saw you drunk like this.
I didn't say it, though. Probably for the better.
Just looked at him.
One eye glaring through the space between the door and the jamb.
One eye glaring at another two.

He turned away.
"I know I shouldn't be like this, but what am I supposed to do?"
I just waited a long moment. A long awkward silence.
"Come on, you know."
"What?"
"You can't stay here."
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Go home."
"Go home to your family."
He shrugged sheepishly, then turned and started shuffling away.
Aww, no.
I called after him. "Wait!"
"What?"
"Wait just a minute!"
I closed the front door, rushed to the back, opened it, and was greeted by a rush of cold - no coat, just my sweater.
Then I zipped around to the front of the apartments, where he was parked.
I was going to be fine; the storm had passed.
"You're not well enough to drive back yet, are you?"
"Well, it's not a great idea. No, it's not."
He needs to sleep this off now. Now what?


(Sowwy, folks - probably violating the 10-15 min rule... this was probably AT LEAST 30 mins. I wrote it on the train last week, w/ no internet, but plenty of distractions present.)
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what if you are a sine qua non for a redemption?

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ummm, so now I actually wrote the ending to that last story - "Like Leaven that a Wise Woman Hid."
But there's probably 2 parts where I need to go back and put something major in.
If you want to read the ending, PM me!

Here's a totally different story fragment:
She leapt on me with a force and a ferocity that would have been unimaginable. "I want a harvest, I want a harvest!" she was crying for the depths of her soul. It was like she was ready to claw me like a cat.
"No!" shouted our mother.
Samuel peeled her hands off me and then I held her arms down by her sides. They were trembling arms.
I just stared into her dark eyes while mother continued, "You will be dark, dark like the shade, if you work in your brothers' vineyards. No man will look on you."
Now she turned on mother, and cried, "We're one family! We keep one vineyard. We should be able to labor side-by-side. You must let me GO!"
I held her arms down. Her teeth were grinding against one another.
Milk-white teeth. She would have suitors if we could just let go of this childish notion.
Now mother rose, and was stalking across the room at her.
A hundred flames of fire were rising up in our mothers' eyes, and her sharp finger rose and berated Joelle as she spoke:
"You! If I had known what this would become, I would NEVER have gratified your childish fancy. Chasing after dreams! You'll swallow the wind, and never taste the apples and raisins you were meant to live on."
"I will live on wind! There is more life in wind than--"
Here she broke off, as danger rose on mother's visage like a rising thunderstorm.
"I will work in the fields for my brothers, I will work in the fields for my brothers!" mother mimicked.
She was in Joelle's face now, and Samuel and I hovered around, circling, tensed and ready.
"You would eat the wind, and starve. Look at you, now, girl - look at you!"
And indeed, Joelle's kinky black hair looked sodden, and her garment torn and no better than a rough brown cloth a waif would wrap herself in.

"Your brothers love you," said our father's voice.
We all jumped, then turned. He was in the open doorway, the light of the morn embracing his form on either side. We hadn't heard him come in.
Mother turned back to Joelle, and to our horror, continued speaking in just the same way as before: "It is not the right time. You were young once, and you could occupy yourself with childish fancies, but now is not the right time."
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2017 9:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like that. Very visual.
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 2:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

They were huddled together behind the counter. The children were whimpering and Adelle wanted to curse them for it.

I don't want to die because you can't be quiet!

In a deep corner of her mind, she hated herself for the thought, but she was quickly losing touch with that part of herself. She was entrapped within the demonic aura of fear which the Pis Ruh emanated. She had been able to resist the panic until now, even when she and Yozou had looked directly at the Pis Ruh and his demonic entourage. But the trepidous emanations were suffocating her, squeezing the life from her, and she knew her Death was approaching. There was no hope, only terror, and the fearless daughter of the Gozaar was cowering under a counter, waiting to die.

A loud thump shook the building, rattling the pictures on the wall and making a glass tumble of the counter. Adelle's heart quailed with dismay as the glass shattered on the floor in front of her. Evil and fear thickened the air like fog, and now even Adelle was whimpering for breath.

The door burst open, sending fragments of wood crashing against the other side of the counter. Adelle flinched away from the impact, and began crawling through the splinters of glass spread on the floor. But her instinct to run betrayed her. The beast at the door stood over seven feet tall, providing its head with high a enough vantage to glimpse the top of Adelle's head behind the bar. The power of his gaze was paralysis.

She was frozen in place. Glass splinters sunk slowly into the flesh of her hands and knees. She no longer struggled for air because her lungs were immobilized. Even her heart stopped beating.

--------------------
I can't stop!
--------------------

It's just an illusion! Yozou's voice filled her head. RUN! Get out of there!

She knew Yozou was long gone. Das Urach understood Yozou's importance and forced him to flee. The voice in her head was madness. There was no running. There was only Death, and It was going to be awful.

"Yes, it's you," growled the Pis Ruh. Adelle felt herself lifting into the air, as if floating upward in water. She was dripping blood from her abrasions. "I can feel that xenactar's touch upon you." The beast snorted loudly. "I smell his stink!"

Xenactar. Betrayer? Yozou!

A light, a spark, an electric shock of energy surged through her body, and Adelle's heart pulsed once, powerfully, sending a jolt of life coursing through her veins.

Yozou.

Adelle felt the rush of blood within her slowing to a stop, her life blood returning to sludge. But her brain was alive with fire. Yozou, his strong arms around her as they stood upon [Lookout Point], gazing down at the Pis Ruh and his goblin horde. She remembered revulsion and determination, she remembered a fierce desire to stand with Yozou and confront the horde.

The clenching of her fists was another pulse of the heart, and suddenly she knew how to fight back against this Pis Ruh. The realization came to her humorously and humiliatingly, so obvious, she coughed a bark of laughter, forgetting the demon's hold upon her was suffocation. Her daxilic eye was open, and now she gazed casually upon the spell cast upon her.

The spell.

It was nothing more than a stupid spell! Oh, the aura of fear was real, there was no denying that. The Demon radiated emotional compulsion and she had no defense against it. But now she knew it for what it was, she could see the radiation. She could probably even influence it. But the paralysis was nothing more than a simple spell--a fucking freeze for crying out loud!--and she learned that on her first day!

Calmly, deliberately, she gazed upon her own body with her daxilic eye, knowing her body, becoming her body, and she nudged it into normalcy.

Xhulesa, she whispered to herself, knowing, yet not knowing, what she spoke. But the command reverberated through her and she could hear the vibrations of it echoing inside herself, quietly suggesting nearly imperceptible notions of resume, relax, restart, realize, refresh: all these ideas were correct, but none of them were quite right. It was xhulesa, and it meant that she was was herself again, restored and revived.

She was Adaelletlia Cicek, the Gozelle of Emidsuhar Eltrilimis. Real, ready, and motherfucking revved.
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 08, 2018 3:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow great writing Linna and Shuram
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Linna Heartlistener
what if you are a sine qua non for a redemption?

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

me, edited slightly wrote:
Mother drew herself up and mimicked shrilly: "I will work in the fields for my brothers, I will work in the fields for my brothers!"
She was in Joelle's face now, and Samuel and I hovered around, circling, tensed and ready.
"You would eat the wind, and starve, my child of my womb. Look at you, now, girl - look at you!"
And indeed, Joelle's kinky black hair looked sodden, and her garment torn and no better than a rough brown cloth a waif would wrap herself in.

"Your brothers love you," said our father's voice.
We all jumped, then turned. He was in the open doorway, the light of the morn embracing his form on either side. We hadn't heard him come in.
Mother turned back to Joelle, and to our utter dismay, continued speaking in just the same way as before: "It is not the right time. You were young once, and you could occupy yourself with childish fancies, but now is not the right time."
"Beloved." he said.
He stepped forward into the brown darkness of our cool home.
If I were coming in from outside, I would only think of the coldness of it - like a shock to the system.
"It's the debt!" cried our mother as he walked up to her and reached to put her arms down.
"The debt is paid. Would you make the children a slave of your desires to pay a debt that's already been paid?"
"You know if she became full of wealth, that would make up for it."
"Would that make it better?"
"You bought me. You BOUGHT me!" she yelled, voice rising in tempo.
"And that is a humiliation to you, yes?"
"You don't know what it's like to be a slave!" she screamed; "You have never been a slave."
And it was an unarguable argument.

Father was standing there, full of strength as always; no one could say he was a slave of another.
But I looked at his face and was seeing something strange.
A thought glittered like a spear just behind my father's brow; I was sure of it. A thought he had long borne, never spoken of.
I looked at his hands and his feet; from as long as I could remember, they were active hands, and moving feet - so full of power.
Yet they just seemed to linger there.

And then his hands fell as he released her. From constraint or embrace.
"You were mine before I bought you. I loved you before I bought you. What is my love to you?"
And Mother looked up at him, eyes like oceans, and made a sound - unintelligible; her throat was thick with tears.
And into her eyes, he spoke: "My dear, you are free."
She leaned to the left and crumpled.

______________________________________________________

This beginning is very ensnaring, Shuram:
Shuram Gudatetris wrote:
They were huddled together behind the counter. The children were whimpering and Adelle wanted to curse them for it.

I don't want to die because you can't be quiet!

In a deep corner of her mind, she hated herself for the thought, but she was quickly losing touch with that part of herself...

Y'know, I can't think of many examples of children being present in world-shattering SF/F confrontations.
There should be.
(I think of people leading children to safety in the midst of a war. And people having sort of... "being-chased" dreams sometimes get stuck with a group of in-dream children to lead/protect.)

Shuram wrote:
...There was no hope, only terror, and the fearless daughter of the Gozaar was cowering under a counter, waiting to die...

...and suddenly she knew how to fight back against this Pis Ruh. The realization came to her humorously and humiliatingly, so obvious...

I like these two... one from the beginning, one from near the end.

Sorus- Thank you - hadn't thought about how visual it was!
It's been just this year that I have finally admitted to myself that I have a love for the dramatic.
And after I wrote it, I thought in amusement, "Everything in it is a symbol, especially the people!"
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 07, 2018 2:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rally beautiful passage Linna. I especially liked this part

[quote="Linna Heartlistener"] A thought glittered like a spear just behind my father's brow; I was sure of it. A thought he had long borne, never spoken of.

Which includes some great foreshadowing to this piece:

"You were mine before I bought you. I loved you before I bought you. What is my love to you?"
And Mother looked up at him, eyes like oceans, and made a sound - unintelligible; her throat was thick with tears.
And into her eyes, he spoke: "My dear, you are free."
She leaned to the left and crumpled.[/i]
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I don't know how to describe your writing so I will just use the first word that pops into my head - enchanting - like I am immersed into the story.
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 08, 2018 10:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

oooh yeah sam that is a beautiful prose ..

Welll described Linna. You have quite a talent Very Happy
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