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The Five to Fifteen Minutes Thread.
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Sorus
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 10:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I took it as emphasis.
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Linna Heartbooger
What if you are a sine qua non for a redemption?

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes! That!
I actually thought other words should maybe be emphasized too...

The little squirt GOT DOWN the honey and started putting it into my MOUTH.
or
The little PIPSQUEAK got down the HONEY and started spooning it into my MOUTH.

It's from the genre of tones of voice you use to describe surprising things small children did that maybe in other circumstances you would be slightly shocked and upset with them for...
I swear, that's my excuse. Smile

Sam- I like how both our stories had a grandmother and a granddaughter. (it was accidental. when I decided to write mine out the other morning, I didn't consciously remember this was the last one on the thread!)

In yours, I liked how I could hear the grandma fumbling for the remote.. which is something so mundane and ordinary...
...and then the storms (and catastrophes) and rumors of storms.
and I like her gambit of "Take it chil'...come on now don't let an old woman wait"
and the "glaring peace" emanating from the grandma's eyes.
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samrw3
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 1:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Linna Smile It has been a story that had been bouncing around in my head for awhile.

Makes senses on the emphasis. My feeling is on emphasis that Mouth is enough. In that way I can almost picture the grandmother opening her mouth wide to say that word.
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2019 10:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Last Road...continued

Pastor Samuel Wright huddled in his chair right behind the altar. He did not expect anyone to show up tonight with the storms ravaging the night.

But he had promised the Lord last year...every night Lord...every night I will sit there and preach to anyone who shows up. Most nights no one did. But a promise is a promise and even now as he heard all the thunder he would not move to safety.

He probably was foolish ...no he knew was foolish...but he knew the signs he would be foolish not to know the signs. But a promise was a promise and he just huddled closer and tighter in his lonely chair.

The building began to creak and the church bells whipped themselves into a cacophonous frenzy. A giant wind screamed through a whiffed out all the candles. Pastor Wright just mumbled...foolish...foolish old man I am. But he just huddled closer in his chair until if anyone had happened to come by they would have seen nothing more than a blanket wrapped chair.

Suddenly the Pastor felt impression that something important needed his attention close by. No. nooo. not now...stupid impressions..his last impression left him staring around a mostly empty church for a year.

Stupid wind...stop!

His heart started beating faster..he must find...he must find....no! NO NO!!! find something tonight? TONIGHT!!!! NO!!!!

A sudden gust of wind blew the church door open and the Pastor store out at the lightning filled skies.

Crazy...Crazy... he muttered as he threw down the blanket picked himself up and started to walk to front of church. As soon as he walked past the front door the wind shuttered it behind him.

The Pastor took one last look behind him..well if anyone comes tonight they will have to face it alone....

Crazy...crazy he muttered as he tried to cinch his jacket closer to his body. He barely shuffled himself along as the winds ravaged around him.
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Linna Heartbooger
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 19, 2019 2:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love this character!

samrw3 wrote:
But he had promised the Lord last year...every night Lord...every night I will sit there and preach to anyone who shows up. Most nights no one did. But a promise is a promise and even now as he heard all the thunder he would not move to safety.

He probably was foolish ...no he knew was foolish...but he knew the signs he would be foolish not to know the signs. But a promise was a promise and he just huddled closer and tighter in his lonely chair.

The building began to creak and the church bells whipped themselves into a cacophonous frenzy. A giant wind screamed through a whiffed out all the candles. Pastor Wright just mumbled...foolish...foolish old man I am.
yep; love his faithfulness, and even (maybe especially) the monologue of his self-doubting.

sam wrote:
But he just huddled closer in his chair until if anyone had happened to come by they would have seen nothing more than a blanket wrapped chair.
also his desire for... or ambivalence to.. just disappearing at the moment.

sam wrote:
Suddenly the Pastor felt impression that something important needed his attention close by. No. nooo. not now...stupid impressions..his last impression left him staring around a mostly empty church for a year.
^This was great! Laughing

sam wrote:
A sudden gust of wind blew the church door open and the Pastor store out at the lightning filled skies.

Crazy...Crazy... he muttered as he threw down the blanket picked himself up and started to walk to front of church. As soon as he walked past the front door the wind shuttered it behind him.

The Pastor took one last look behind him..well if anyone comes tonight they will have to face it alone....

Crazy...crazy he muttered as he tried to cinch his jacket closer to his body. He barely shuffled himself along as the winds ravaged around him.
Lightning, wind, frenzy. intense.

I hope that one of the things that will happen is what I'm expecting to see happen!


My story below continues after the POV character's sister had talked to their teacher, Sartala. The POV character read a letter from her sister here.
Sartala always would say things like, "Pretty soon, someone will say to me, 'you have had enough trouble in this life. for your next life - you will get a boring life!' "
"Boring doesn't have to be bad."
We stared at her, waiting, with each forehead of the very youngest scrunched in a question.
"Boring could be a cow among the land of my people." she would say.
And the clever words would come from the mouth of the neighbor's son.
He would say, "But it WOULD be bad, because you cannot have a cow who is Sarilah!"
And he was right. She could never stop questioning - asking us questions, AND asking herself questions. And she could never stop wondering, chasing some bit of knowledge, whether from sacred writ, the cycles of the seasons, or from the faces of our people.

Inevitably, one of us sisters would exclaim, "Teacher Sartala! You cannot go so soon!" or if the child yelling it was very young, "you won't die!"
Because we all knew what she had been talking about.
And she would adjust her cloth around her shoulder, twitch it just right, and sort of hrmmph... sort of huff at us, as if to say, "Well, we'll see."

So, for this reason I knew exactly what she meant when I received a letter from her, and read, "I excpect my life to become more boring soon." As I lovingly browsed the words in a ray of sunshine, it jolted me out of my peace. "No, she should not say this!" And then I thought back to a day when I was a child.

"Dureena, what do you see?"
"Teacher, I see a flower, picked from the garden this afternoon."
"What else?"
"I see its flower severed from its stem."
"Yet it is a flower. It appears beautiful, does it not?"
"Yes! Let me put it in a water jar!""
As I skipped to my feet, she reached out with bony, hands, gentle but clawlike.
(For she was very aged.)
I nearly fell over, but when my balance adjusted I quickly brought my vision to the sight of her face.
"Shall we not?" I asked.
"Why do you want to?"
And I, prattling in a high lilting voice: "for if it does not get into the water, it shall die. You know this!"
She nodded silently, holding me there with her eyes just a bit more.
"Did you not say it was beautiful?"
My sister says she had watched me just then, and with my dark eyes searching Sartala, I looked like nothing so much as a lost child.
"You asked if it was beautiful, and I said yes!"
"Appeared," she said.
"You asked if it appeared beautiful!"
And just then, as my sister told me, as a key fell into the lock, I understood; my teacher assented and relaxed her grip on my hands.
...[something more should go here]

The newest vision lay burning upon her, but perhaps the roots for it had been planted long seasons ago.
(about 15.9 minutes)
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 23, 2019 3:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="Linna Heartbooger"]I love this character![\quote]

Thanks Smile Like I said before this story has been in my head for awhile glad some of it is finally coming out!

[quote]And he was right. She could never stop questioning - asking us questions, AND asking herself questions. And she could never stop wondering, chasing some bit of knowledge, whether from sacred writ, the cycles of the seasons, or from the faces of our people.[\quote]
Loved that section about questioning and how you wrote it!


[quote]So, for this reason I knew exactly what she meant when I received a letter from her, and read, "I excpect my life to become more boring soon." As I lovingly browsed the words in a ray of sunshine, it jolted me out of my peace. "No, she should not say this!" And then I thought back to a day when I was a child.[\quote]

Very nice! enjoyed this section too!

[quote]As I skipped to my feet, she reached out with bony, hands, gentle but clawlike.
(For she was very aged.)
I nearly fell over, but when my balance adjusted I quickly brought my vision to the sight of her face.
"Shall we not?" I asked.
"Why do you want to?"
And I, prattling in a high lilting voice: "for if it does not get into the water, it shall die. You know this!"
She nodded silently, holding me there with her eyes just a bit more.
"Did you not say it was beautiful?"
My sister says she had watched me just then, and with my dark eyes searching Sartala, I looked like nothing so much as a lost child.
"You asked if it was beautiful, and I said yes!"
"Appeared," she said.
"You asked if it appeared beautiful!"
And just then, as my sister told me, as a key fell into the lock, I understood; my teacher assented and relaxed her grip on my hands.
The newest vision lay burning upon her, but perhaps the roots for it had been planted long seasons ago.[\quote]

Wow! very nice - really brings us into this scene. For sure wants us wanting to know what comes next!!

Great stuff!
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Last Road...continued

Pastor Wright forced one step at time against the bracing wind and pelting rain. He felt his entire body drenched with rain and his clothes soaked through. Sudden gusts of wind would take his breath away. He felt foolish even going any further because he could not see more than a few feet ahead.

With every step he agonized over his decision to leave the church. He would not be able to find anything out here...madness!

Finally, the rain slowed down to a slow drizzle. Pastor Wright quickened his steps. Lord lead me....
All of the sudden the Pastor was face down in mud and his leg had hit a rock on the way down. He felt blood trickling down his leg. He felt his leg pulsating with pain. He felt mud surrounding his face ..really his body. He just lay there dazed.

The Pastor heard a loud whoosh of wind screech through the skies and several branches crack off nearby. Then there was silence. Even the rain had stopped. All around him was a dreadful black silence that seemed to envelop the world and his soul. The next moment he felt the earth trembling around him. It seemed like the whole ground was trembling in distress.

The Pastor just lie there...mumbling..Lord take me..please I have served....

The Pastor noticed a strange light descending from the sky and part of the light seemed to shimmer towards him.... "RISE!" he heard shatter through his mind.

Lord...take me...I can't get up!

The light expanded and the ground seemed to convulse around him. "RISE!!!" echoed in his brain and his heart beat rapidly.

The Pastor wiped away the mud from his face and spat out the mud near his mouth. He started to rise with one knee bent tentatively to make sure he could stand at all. At that moment the light burst out and over to his right he thought he saw a huddled body,

The wind gushed forward and cracked the streetlight and the Pastor could no longer see the light. The Pastor continued to rise and found he could stand.

Yes Lord....and he headed over to where he had seen the huddled body.
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