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Letting Go or Holding On
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Lorelei
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 06, 2005 4:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fist,

I could probably give your daughter lessons!! I have always been very independent, my brother on the other hand always seeked help. They had him for seven years and then I came along (very unexpected I might add) and I was totally different. Not only am I independent but I am also the only southpaw in the family. By nature I think differently than most. My folks had absolutely no idea what to do with me. They were always afraid that I would get into some big trouble. At 31 I have managed to get out of most problematic situations.

The scary thing is my mother wishes me to have children just like I was....I now tell her that they pay me to ask "Why?"...hopefully I will remember that when my time comes.

Lorelei
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 10:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lorelei,
There isn't much I could say that hasn't already been said...and I'm afraid I don't exactly think I'm qualified to make a suggestion...but I want you to know my prayers are with you, your mom, and the rest of your family...
*hugs*
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 2:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lorelei, I understand you pain and my prayers are with you and your family.

Several years ago my mother passed away from cancer. My sister and I were with her, her final two weeks. It was emotionally wrenching but I'm glad we were able to be with her.

My mother suffered from breast cancer. She had had a double masectomy a few years before she passed, had undergone Radiation and Chemo. She told me she wasn't afraid of dying but she was deeply afraid of pain. Nevertheless she fought until she was weary because I asked her too.

She lived in Boston. Her last year in August she was diagnosed with brain cancer ... I HATE CANCER. For my sake, she had a Gamma Knife procedure to try to fight it. [I flew to Boston to help her travelling] She was then sent to a nursing home to recuperate. While she was there she broke her hip and had to have hip replacement surgery. [I flew to Boston while she had her surgery.] She had a third floor appartment and climbing stairs was a problem for her so we found a first floor appartment. [I flew to Boston to move her appartment.] When we brought her for a visit to the appartment (she was still recuperating in a nursing facility) it was apparent to her that even on the first floor she could not manage on her own.

I think the realization that she would lose her independence was the last straw. She quickly slid downhill. I got a call at home (Nebraska then), she had pnemonia and I was needed in Bostson. She had opted for Hospice service by then and there was concern that she wouldn't last the night. I spoke with her on the phone and told her I was coming and that she should hold on! The human body (and my mother's spirit) is an amazing thing - without antibiotics she fought back the pneumonia. I was able to get to Boston and be with her. My sister (who was the "evil child" in out family Smile ) was able to be there as well.

We stayed in the nursing facility 7x24 for the next two weeks. At varying times my mother was lucid and was able to talk with us. I will treasure those moments. My aunts and uncles, who loved my mother deeply, impressed on me that it was important that I tell her it was ok to go Crying or Very sad - she fought for me and was tired - it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

My sister and I had other discussions with my mother. She was a very religious person. My sister and I far from (but I do feel I'm spiritual.) Nevertheless we prayed with her, I sang her favorite religious hymns ( Smile and I'm a terrible singer - but she didn't seem to care.) Her last evening we had a particularly lucid conversation. She was concerned that she hadn't done right by God in teaching her children. My sister and I assured her that she had and cited specific instances that jogged her memory. Her last words were a happy "I remember! I remember!". She then drifted off to sleep. She passed later that evening while I was in the room.

I would not exchange the time I had with mom those last two weeks. And the time I spend with her flying back to Boston multiple times for all the money in the world.

I have not shared this broadly. I do so now to support you and let you know others have been where you are and have gotten thru the pain. And to let you know that our parents do desperately need our permission to move on and I thank God that he gave me the grace to let my mom know she had mine. And lastly, that parents want to know they've done right by their children. Be there for her. Help her tell you what she needs you to know. In the end she will rest more peacefully due to your strength. And you will feel more peaceful afterwards.

God bless you thru this time.
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Last edited by Creator on Sun Jan 09, 2005 6:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lorelei, my prayers are with you and your mother during this time of passing. I know what it is like to let go of a loved one. I know how hard it can be. I invite you to the thread I set up in memory of my brother, Stephen. You will find it in the Hall of Gifts: "The Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread". There I have posted journal entries from his life. He passed on from AIDS in 2001. His faith in God is what helped him and all of us who loved him live with his illness. Beware tho, it is quite huge now, over 60 pages. But, I believe my brother's heart and words will help you during this very hard time.

Peace to you and your mother, God bless you both. Hearts
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~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 6:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is another one of those threads that makes me proud to be a part of this community.

God Bless You, Lorelei and all.
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2005 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm at a loss for words...

God bless you both during this hard time.
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Lorelei
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2005 3:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In true Margarete spirit my mother has chosen to hang around for a bit longer. Her appetite is back and her sense of humor is a wry as ever. I thank you all for the well wishes and prayers because you have helped us struggle on for a bit more. I may be back here because medically speaking she still has a very tenuous grasp but her spirit is strong.

In many aspects my life is a roller coaster...I am learning to not get on the ride but to support those getting off. God bless you all!

Lorelei
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2005 4:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great news Lorelei!

I'll pray that God will give your family and mom as much time as possible to grow closer and share the love and joy that's unique to a family.

Hearts Group Hug
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2005 2:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Amen. Good Luck!
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 11:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

HI Lorelei,

My Mum has been through some of the same as yours, we nearly lost her 3 times last year, I can remember sitting there in the hospital holding her hand waiting. We're lucky as she has pulled through (maybe temporarily, but who knows?) Whilst I was sitting there wracked with anxiety, I went through the works - don't leave us, regret, frustriation, grief, you name it. But I do remember seeing, through all the masks and equipment, a clarity or a certainty, in her eyes that told me what she wanted, and that steadied me.

We want them to hang on for us, and that's more than OK. Sometimes we don't see that they are strong and ready to move on, and that's OK too. There are no rules or standards, but in these situations you see the most extreme humanity in yourself and that's no bad thing.

I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make really, but your Mum will understand you. All I can say is do what we are doing, make the most of what you have, it's all you should do.
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