In the kitchen with Cail.....

[Cail]

....Or, how I learned to quit bitching and just make my own stuff.

....Or, everyone's favorite Conservative readjusts to single life and feeding himself.

So anyway, I was griping to Cailette yesterday that there just aren't any decent store-bought chocolate chip cookies available, and it occurred to me: before my soul was sucked out by the she-devil I was married to, I used to be one helluva cook & baker. In fact, I did both for a living for a while.

So I set off today to make the Best Damn Chocolate Chip Cookies. Ever.

"But Cail", you protest, "how can you possibly bake the Best Damn Chocolate Chip Cookies when Cruella has all of your wonderful kitchen implements held hostage in your kitchen, which is nine miles away from your apartment?"

Simple, I'll adopt the motto of the United States Marine Corps; Adapt and Overcome. (all apologies to the USMC if that's not their motto, and all apologies to whoever's it actually is if, in fact, it's not the USMC's. But I digress.).

The Kitchen: Well, there's a stove (gas), a microwave, a sink, and a fridge. I have a wind-up timer that ticks and goes "ding". I have a few really, really cheap pots and pans, a knock-off glass measuring cup (it literally says "Dyrex" on the side), and a spatula set that cost $1.99. Why haven't I replaced all the cool stuff that I used to have? Because I'm cheap (blame my Scottish blood), and I refuse to buy things twice when there's a pretty good chance I'll get some of that stuff back.

The Ingredients: After a little research on the 'net, I decided to stay relatively close to the Toll House recipe, with a few notable modifications. Gotta, gotta, gotta have dark chocolate.

-2 sticks, Land 'O Lakes unsalted butter
-1 cup, Domino dark brown sugar, tightly packed
-3/4 cup, regular Domino sugar
-2-1/2 cups, Gold Label All-Purpose flour
-3 grinds, McCormick Sea Salt
-1-1/4 tsp, Arm & Hammer Baking Soda
-2 eggs, no shells
-1-3/4 tsp, McCormick Pure Vanilla Extract
-20 oz (2 bags), Nestle Chocolatier 62% Cacao Morsels

The Method: This is where the magic happens. I have no mixer, no whisk, no bowls, no sifter. I have a large plastic container I use to put my microwave popcorn in, which will be my primary mixing bowl. I inexplicably have a Dyrex bread pan, which I'll mix my dry goods in, I have two different sized Glad sealable containers I'll use for my eggs and my sugars.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to mix the Hell out of everything. Nothing is as good, quick, or thorough as a good mixer (oh I miss my Kitchen Aid). That said, if you're patient, you can make anything work.

-Take the two sticks of butter (still wrapped) and stick them in the microwave. Nuke 'em for 1 minute at 20% power. Roll them over and do it again. Keep doing it until they're almost runny. DO NOT USE TOO MUCH POWER, YOU DON"T WANT THE BUTTER COOKED! My microwave takes 3:20 to get this done.

-In the bread pan, I mix the flour, the salt, and the baking soda. I use a soup spoon to transfer the flour from the bag to the measuring cup. Take your time, and you won't compact it. I add one cup of flour, 1 tsp of the baking soda, 2 grinds of the salt, and stir with a fork for about a minute. Then I add the rest of the flour, then the rest of the BP and salt, then stir some more with the fork.

-In the larger Glad container, I carefully mix the sugars, slowly adding the brown sugar to the white, and stirring with a fork. After two minutes and still seeing a layer of unmolested white sugar on the bottom of the container, I put a lid on it and shook the crap out of it.

-In the other Glad container, I mixed the eggs, vanilla, and a splash of milk. I don't know why I added milk, other than milk and cookies go together, so I figured I'd introduce them now, rather than when they were getting eaten. Again, I put in one egg, beat it, half the vanilla, beat it, the milk, beat it, the other egg, beat it, and the last of the vanilla, then beat it some more. I felt like Ike Turner when I was done, but when you're mixing with a fork, you've got to mix a lot.

-So, back to the butter. I dumped it into the primary container, and started at it with a soup spoon. After about 3 minutes, I used a spatula to get it off the sides, then stirred it some more. It's waaaay important to get the butter nice and creamy, since there's only so much you can break it up with silverware rather than a mixer.

-Now, slowly add the sugar mix. At this point I switched to a fork, since I figured that'd do better at mixing it up. I really took my time with this, and I used the spatula to scrape the bowl about once a minute. All told, this step takes about 8 minutes.

-Add the eggs. In order to get a thorough mix, I spooned the egg mixture out (soup spoon again) 2 scoops at a time, and mixed for a minute in between. When the last of the egg stuff was mixed in, I mixed for about 5 minutes more. It sounds like a lot of mixing, but it is. You want this stuff to be completely, evenly mixed, and this is the only way I know of doing it by hand. Think about something pleasant while your hand is cramping, like puppies, a day at the beach, or your ex-wife being crushed by a meteor.

-Add the flour mixture. Again, go slowly, making sure you get it all mixed together well. I did this in three stages. Remember, keep going back to the spatula to get all the stuff off the sides of your container.

-Add the chips, and try not to eat them all. Mix 'till they're evenly distributed.

At this point, you've mixed everything as well as you can. Take a deep breath, and get ready for the hardest part. Put a lid on them, and stick them in the fridge for at least 6 hours. No cheating.

When they're good and chilled, slop them on a cookie sheet. I just toss them on there out of a soup spoon, my mother rolled them into balls, some people shape them. I simply don't care.

Put them in the oven at 400 degrees for about 9 minutes, take 'em out, let 'em cool, and eat 'em.

Are they the Best Damn Chocolate Chip Cookies ever? Well, they're pretty damn good, but I think I can do better. More milk, less white sugar, Egg Beaters, and possibly half wheat flour.

I'll keep you posted.
_________________
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Unfortunately, freedom allows sh*theads to get away with stuff. You always know the mark of a coward. A coward hides behind freedom. A brave person stands in front of freedom and defends it for others." - Henry Rollins
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
"Beware the fury of a patient man." - John Dryden

[Cameraman Jenn]

Cail, I feel your pain. I keep thinking of things I have locked in storage while I am living in limbo. Cruella....hahahahahah

Dying to find out how the next batch goes. I like to add m&m's to mine along with the delicious dark choccies.
_________________
Now if I could just find a way to wear live bees as jewelry all the time.....

www.fantasybedtimehour.com

[Menolly]

Oh...{{{Cail}}}...

I feel your pain at your (hopefully temporary) loss of your KA and other implements of destruction. But your ingenuity is amazing. I would love to try one of those cookies.

Welcome to the Galley! Be welcome and true!!
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[Cail]

With the dark chocolate, you can really taste my bitterness....

I really like chocolate chip cookies, so let me give you an idea how I rank these.....if the standard Toll House recipe is a 10, I'd put these at about a 13.5. That's a pretty big improvement, but I think I'm missing something. They're still a bit on the rich side, so I think I'm going to cut back on the white sugar and add a little more milk. I may even toss in some applesauce, and I'm definitely adding some peanut butter chips.

Seriously though, anyone have any idea what adding half wheat flour will do to consistency and cook times?
_________________
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Unfortunately, freedom allows sh*theads to get away with stuff. You always know the mark of a coward. A coward hides behind freedom. A brave person stands in front of freedom and defends it for others." - Henry Rollins
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
"Beware the fury of a patient man." - John Dryden

[lucimay]

wow!!! great thread!!! i will try the cookies but mostly i'm looking forward to more adventures in the kitchen with mr. resourceful!! that was fun to read!!! carry on!!!
_________________
you're more advanced than a cockroach, have you ever tried explaining yourself to one of them?
~ alan bates, the mothman prophecies


i've had this with actors before, on the set, where they get upset about the [size of my] trailer, and i'm always like...take my trailer, cause... i'm from kentucky and that's not what we brag about.
~ george clooney, inside the actor's studio


a straight edge for legends at
the fold - searching for our
lost cities of gold. burnt tar,
gravel pits. sixteen gears switch.
Haphazard Lucy strolls by.
~ dennis r wood ~

[Cameraman Jenn]

I find wheat flour a bit gritty for dessert baking. How do you feel about butterscotch chips! Yummers!
_________________
Now if I could just find a way to wear live bees as jewelry all the time.....

www.fantasybedtimehour.com

[Menolly]

Cail, I am so not a baker. There are two baked desserts that come out well for me, and I made one of them for E'Fest.

But, as to the richness of the cookies, would switching out one stick of butter for a stick of baking Crisco help? So it's half Crisco, half butter? Or would that affect the texture as well?
_________________

[Cail]

I'm reluctant to use Crisco, though I notice there's no Trans-fat in it any more.
_________________
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Unfortunately, freedom allows sh*theads to get away with stuff. You always know the mark of a coward. A coward hides behind freedom. A brave person stands in front of freedom and defends it for others." - Henry Rollins
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
"Beware the fury of a patient man." - John Dryden

[Sunbaneglasses]

Bravo, I should post some of my kitchen adventures from back in my stoner days.

[A Gunslinger]

"...The Ingredients: After a little research on the 'net, I decided to stay relatively close to the Toll House recipe, with a few notable modifications. Gotta, gotta, gotta have dark chocolate. "

Cail....If I had a picture of you to post, you would be my new mancrush., and it would be so posted in the apporpriate thread.


Guns loves him some dark chocolate in his cookies so he does!!!!
_________________
"I use my gun whenever kindness fails"

[bloodguard bob]

[Damelon]

[Menolly]

Ah...Alton...

Nummy...

I've eaten at a couple of Emeril's restaurants. The food was awesome, but Emeril himself just doesn't do for me what Alton does...

Mmmm...
_________________

[Cail]

[lucimay]

this is the best thread EVER!!! (um...i love coconut and pecans in with them dark chocolat chips m'self)

um...the chef at my house (when i put the wheat flour and shortening questions to him) agrees with bGb regarding taste on the flour, and says he thinks RB (real butter) is healthier than crisco. its all about the shortening he says.

bGB, i suggest we make Cail's cookies for the barbeque on the friday night!! wooo hoooo!
_________________
you're more advanced than a cockroach, have you ever tried explaining yourself to one of them?
~ alan bates, the mothman prophecies


i've had this with actors before, on the set, where they get upset about the [size of my] trailer, and i'm always like...take my trailer, cause... i'm from kentucky and that's not what we brag about.
~ george clooney, inside the actor's studio


a straight edge for legends at
the fold - searching for our
lost cities of gold. burnt tar,
gravel pits. sixteen gears switch.
Haphazard Lucy strolls by.
~ dennis r wood ~

[Avatar]

[Cail]

That's the other reason I'm shying away from Crisco. I want these to be somewhat healthy, and I don't want all the chemicals associated with margarine or shortening.
_________________
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Unfortunately, freedom allows sh*theads to get away with stuff. You always know the mark of a coward. A coward hides behind freedom. A brave person stands in front of freedom and defends it for others." - Henry Rollins
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
"Beware the fury of a patient man." - John Dryden

[Menolly]

Magic ingredient, Av...?

:::thinking I have got to get Av to ship me a dozen chocolate chip cookies that will be off limits to Beorn...:::

Cail, I understand about not wanting to use crisco. I have none in my own kitchen. It is the one thing I have read on the cooking forums I frequent that seems to make the biggest difference in the richness and texture of a cookie or baked good though.
_________________

[Cail]

Well the reviews are in at work.....

Roughly 90% positive ("Oh my God, these are the Bawm!). I think the next batch is going to have light brown sugar, and I'm going to increase it by 1/4 cup while reducing the white sugar by 1/4 cup, half of the flour will be wheat, and I'm going to substitute applesauce for one of the sticks of butter. Oh, and I'm going to reduce the chips to a bag and a half. "Too much chip, not enough cookie" was the only real complaint.

On a related note, I was called "the most confident heterosexual man in the world" by a woman at work for having the fortitude to bring baked goods that I'd made into a lumberyard.
_________________
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Unfortunately, freedom allows sh*theads to get away with stuff. You always know the mark of a coward. A coward hides behind freedom. A brave person stands in front of freedom and defends it for others." - Henry Rollins
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
"Beware the fury of a patient man." - John Dryden

[Avatar]