Cag's Depressing Cancer Thread

[StevieG]

Happy New Year Cag!

Thanks for your honesty in all this shit. You're probably the first person I know who has been honest about this ordeal. Well, maybe not, but anyway - hope 2021 is ever so slightly less excruciating than 2020...
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Hugs and sh!t!! ~ lucimay

I think you're right ~ TheFallen

[Fist and Faith]

Always wishing I had something ... useful to say, Cag. I got nuthin'.

But I still absolutely love your sig. Honestly, I crack up every time. I just stop everything and watch it for a minute or two every time I see it.

Let's go for a Happy New Year!

[Cameraman Jenn]

Sorry to hear about all the misery my most beloved identical twin brother separated at birth. Glad to hear about the kids happiness and glad to hear the last PET scan went well and especially to hear lymph system clear. That is always a good sign. Sending hugs and love your way.
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Now if I could just find a way to wear live bees as jewelry all the time.....

www.fantasybedtimehour.com

[Cagliostro]

First off, let me say how much I appreciate the responses, and completely understand not knowing what to say to someone who is going through all this. I wouldn't either, and am honestly touched by the sympathy and good vibes you all have heaped on me.

I had my PET scan on Monday, and today received the results.

The doc said there is some fluid in my abdomen and around my heart that they want to extract with a needle and say I will feel better once that is gone. And I thought my belly fullness was mainly gas. So it looks like next for me will be this. It doesn't seem horrid to what else I've endured, and the fact that when I bend over, I have to pretty much hold my breath, will make it easier to get around. And they'll search the fluid for cancer cells and such.

So we asked what else the PET scan showed, and he said that it really hasn't shrunk much more and hasn't grown either.

I then asked a question that I think I have been hesitant to ask: what are the chances of remission at this point. He said that he is an honest doc, and with this type of cancer, there is no remission. That the chemo is what is keeping me alive, and if I had not been taking it, we wouldn't be meeting today as it typically takes about 4 months.

Long sigh.

So I have two options at this point - start a different type of chemo as what typically happens is new chemo works for a bit until the cancer gets wise to it and mutates to accommodate it, or we can start planning for hospice care at home and prepare myself for the inevitable. He said it is not about the quantity of life but the quality.

I'm still reeling from all this new info and am feeling a bit numb from it. When do you give up? At what point do you feel like the fight is no longer worth it when you know you are going to lose anyway? I didn't even realize what fight I was fighting until now. I kept thinking I was fighting toward something instead of just stalling. So now I mourn the death of hope. And decide what to do next.

I've been a fighter against this so far, and while a lot of days I feel horrid, I do feel I've not quite gotten to the point where I am ready to throw in the towel. So I think I'll continue the chemo and hope to live until this pandemic is much more under control if I can so I can plan for a farewell tour at the very least. It sucks so much being stuck inside, and I'm pissed that because of my weakened immune system that I can't get out into the world.

I also don't know what to do about work at the moment. Should I just quit and go on disability or keep putting in the time while I can to make as much as I can before I can't do it anymore? We've got some built up this year, but I think disability pays 60% or something(?) so we'll have to see. Ugh...so much to think through over the next few weeks.

I think I'll end here for now as work is stupid busy today. I wish I had better news, but, uhhh.....suck is life.
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Life is a waste of time
Time is a waste of life
So get wasted all of the time
And you'll have the time of your life

[Avatar]

Well hell.

That's rough Cag, really rough. Sorry to hear.

I'm a big believer in quality of life being the important thing. And I also think that while there's life, there can be some tiny smidgeon of hope, but better to be realistic about it, as Logan Nine-Fingers says.

If the side-effects etc. are bearable, then no reason not to keep fighting, (or hoping ).

The work thing, I think again, is a quality of life thing. Also, if time is limited, is that what you want to spend it doing? If I could get by on 60% and had things to do, I would probably quit.

Or maybe with the Pandemic, working might give you something to do, and having something to do is important too I think.

(I know, not that helpful perhaps. )

Damn Cag...life's a bitch. I'll be thinking of you, and hoping that things get better, even if it seems they won't.

And I will (for now) leave you with this disputed quote (allegedly) by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

[samrw3]

Yeah I don't even know what to say. Life stinks. I would echo most of Avatars sentiments and your own - quality of life matters. I am overly optimistic so my gut is I would try to hang on even with a sliver of hope. But neither am I in your shoes.

All I can tell you is that you are leaving a legacy here on Kevin's Watch and your touch will be forever here. More important you leaving a touch on your spouse and family members where your presence will also be forever.
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Not every person is going to understand you and that's okay. They have a right to their opinion and you have every right to ignore it.

[Menolly]

Love and Light, Cag.
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[Seareach]

Oh Cag.

As I've said before, being pretty stoic about fucked up situations like this, I don't know what to say. I hope saying I'm stoic means you know deep beneath all that I'm not heartless.

In regards to fighting or not. I agree with other sentiments--quality of life matters.

My brother-in-law passed from a brain tumor that he battled for 12 years just before Son of Seareach was born. For along time he fought. Like you, he wanted to keep fighting until he felt it was no longer worth it. Did lots of radiation and chemo, had two ops to reduce the tumor etc. What was the turning point for him? He got tired. Not tired of living, not tired of the fight (although that was wearing), but he was just physically done, and I think he thought he'd put up such a great fight that...well...he'd done everything he could. He stopped treatment and there was a short period of time he felt great. He got to spend time with the people he loved without all the treatment and effects.

As for work. If it was me (it isn't), I'd quit. If there's any way you can do it, do it, unless you think that's one of the things that is helping you, if you know what I mean.

Always here for you if you need a chat.
Much love, Sea xoxo
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[sgt.null]

Prayers Cags.

And a manly hug.
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life's not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis”
― E.E. Cummings

[StevieG]

Oh crap Cags. I'm genuinely sorry to hear this news, and I really don't know what to say apart from letting you know that the Watchers are behind you, thinking of you and your family.
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Hugs and sh!t!! ~ lucimay

I think you're right ~ TheFallen

[Fist and Faith]

I haven't looked in here for a while. Again, nothing useful to say. This kind of thing is the problem with hanging out with a bunch of people for so many years.

While I can never forgive you for teaching Dr. Doom your secrets, your time here has been less damaging to world peace.

And I can't help but wonder if your (now) wife still likes the clothing-optional springs...?

I guess my attempts at comic relief are done for the moment. But I'm sure I'll be back.

I'm happy that you're not to the point where you're throwing in the towel. Every moment of experience is, literally, everything. I'm glad you want them.
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We are not required to save the world. We are required to stand up as truly as we can for what we love. -SRD

All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest -Paul Simon