Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

Furls Fire · Posted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 6:08 pm Post subject:

I got a call from Anna, the beautiful woman who Stephen loved and lost due to his illness. And she told me she had been thinking about him alot lately. That she can't seem to get his smile out of her mind. I asked her how she was, and she told me that she and her husband were divorcing. My heart broke for her. She wanted to hear the poem he wrote for her again, because she couldn't find the copy of it I had sent her. So, I recited it, not having to find it, because I knew it by heart...

For Anna

Without you, who remembers me?
My body, the instrument I once lived through to dance,
becomes only pain as I lift higher on pillows to take in air.
The day we parted, a south wind blew flowers into my room
and the floor whitened with petals.
I’m unsure we have the right to desire union with anyone.
Remember, Anna? That night, where we two flowed into one?
Passion, elation, ecstasy
and we wondered,
how could such joy be against God?
Ah, the small kisses all over, from neck to cheek,
becoming the great kiss, unresisting flesh on flesh,
pulled tight for just that time.
Glorious perfection, ceaseless love.

We cried together then. When I hung up the phone, I went and found the journal entry he had written shortly after he left her.
_________________
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.

~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

Stephen C · Posted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 6:13 pm Post subject:

September 17, 1990 11:08 AM

Ah Anna! How I ache for you!

Regret threatens to drag me under. I cry out your name in my dreams of loss. You are the first casualty of my illness, the first great grief. And my soul howls out the anguish as its mate is ripped away. I treasure the precious gift of you, long for the sweet song of your voice. There is no forgiveness in the wake of this act. I do not seek it. Were I a true man, I would beg at your feet to allow me in with you again. Yet, no degree of desire can make me thrust such pain on you. You, who sought only to soothe the devastation that befalls me. You, who only wanted to hold on and defy the truth of it. You, whose tears drenched the front of my shirt as the final farewell escaped my thick throat.

You.

All of you given and spent on me. Were I a real man, I would not have stolen the choice from you. I would answer the damn phone when it rings and not cower against the memory of your breath on my neck. Anna Maria, I see the beauty of your face behind the closed lids of my eyes. And the long loss, the pained path stretches out its endless winding forward. Forward beyond all the love left before the great break, the great rending of the souls that were us. Are us. Yet, the love lingers, and plays out the anguish, the blood bleeding out of it. The way back gone.

“I love you!” Came the cry as I drove away from you.

“I have loved and have been loved to the breaking point.” I shouted out to the night sky as I sped from you. And I will never not love you. The great grief of it I’ll carry through the days of illness to come, and I will only hope that you will not keep loving me.

Anna, please. Stop loving me.
_________________
I sing to life
and to it's tragic beauty
to pain and to strife
and all that dances thru me
the rise and the fall
i've lived thru it all...

To my brother, Steve, who held a grace and light beyond words, God bless. I love you --Tracie

Alex · Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 12:34 am Post subject:

He just kicks you in the teeth.
_________________
Sweet peace come to me
Calm the chaos churning within
Sweet Jesus enwrap me
Enlighten my heart so dim

My soul seeks Thee
In breathless desperation it cries
Sweet Jesus enwrap me
As my body slowly dies...
--Isaiah John Adderly, found by Tracie Hammon 1/18/06

StevieG · Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 12:49 am Post subject:

Furls Fire · Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 1:52 pm Post subject:

Anna is a very special person. She is like another sister to me. I've kept in touch with her all these years and I am so sad that her marriage is breaking up. She told me that she never felt for her husband what she felt for Stephen. Stephen will always be her soulmate. Like he said, she was the first casualty of his illness. And he always regretted leaving her to spare her. Sad

_________________
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.

~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

Fist and Faith · Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 5:52 pm Post subject:

Damn...

And, you know, I can't help thinking of Life Goes On while reading this.
_________________
We are not required to save the world. We are required to stand up as truly as we can for what we love. -SRD

All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest -Paul Simon

Furls Fire · Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 1:32 pm Post subject:

Indeed. I looked for Life Goes On on DVD and they only have the first season available, which of course, Jesse was not in.

I've invited Anna and her two girls to come spend some time with us this summer. I hope she accepts. Altho, I don't think I will show her that journal entry. The last thing she needs to "hear" right now is Stephen begging her to stop loving him.

*sigh* Some wounds never truly heal. Crying or Very sad

_________________
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.

~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

Alex · Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 7:21 pm Post subject:

I've never heard of "Life Goes On", what was it about?
_________________
Sweet peace come to me
Calm the chaos churning within
Sweet Jesus enwrap me
Enlighten my heart so dim

My soul seeks Thee
In breathless desperation it cries
Sweet Jesus enwrap me
As my body slowly dies...
--Isaiah John Adderly, found by Tracie Hammon 1/18/06

Menolly · Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 7:49 pm Post subject:

I'm horrible at summarizing, but tv.com has a list of the episodes by season...
Life Goes On
_________________

Furls Fire · Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 1:49 pm Post subject:

They need to get the remaining 3 seasons on DVD. Such a good show. Introducing Jesse's character at a time when there was still so much fear and misunderstanding about AIDS was a brilliant move. And kudos to Chad Lowe for playing him so amazingly.
_________________
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.

~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

dlbpharmd · Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 2:30 pm Post subject:

Menolly · Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 2:36 pm Post subject:

dlb speaks wisely, Furls.
Although I'm unsure if while in the midst of going through a divorce is the time for it.
Perhaps after, when hopefully any bitterness for the current situation has passed...
_________________

dlbpharmd · Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 2:41 pm Post subject:

Oh, and welcome to the Watch, Alex! I'm late to catching up on this thread by a few weeks. Hope you enjoy your time here! You're among friends.
_________________

Alex · Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 3:56 pm Post subject:

Thanks! I'm so happy Stephen led me to Tracie and her wonderful family.
_________________
Sweet peace come to me
Calm the chaos churning within
Sweet Jesus enwrap me
Enlighten my heart so dim

My soul seeks Thee
In breathless desperation it cries
Sweet Jesus enwrap me
As my body slowly dies...
--Isaiah John Adderly, found by Tracie Hammon 1/18/06

Fire Daughter · Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 7:53 pm Post subject:

I hope Anna can come, I haven't seen her in like, oh...5 years or so. And her little girls are so precious! Twins! They were 2 the last time I saw them. Smile

And Alex...we love you!! Group Hug

_________________
For Myles--
When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

For Mom--
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Fly...fly high against the sky...
Thank you, thank you, thank God for you
The wind beneath my wings

Alex · Posted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 2:25 am Post subject:

*blows kisses to sweet Brooke*
_________________
Sweet peace come to me
Calm the chaos churning within
Sweet Jesus enwrap me
Enlighten my heart so dim

My soul seeks Thee
In breathless desperation it cries
Sweet Jesus enwrap me
As my body slowly dies...
--Isaiah John Adderly, found by Tracie Hammon 1/18/06

Furls Fire · Posted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 9:49 pm Post subject:

Hmmm...maybe someday. I just don't think that now is the right time. Of course, I've had many chances to show Anna that entry (and a few others about her) in the last 8 years, but I never have. She seemed happy with her life and I didn't think she needed to be reminded of such a painful time.

I don't know. Sometimes I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

And it seems that I have undercut my legs out from underneath me when I attempted to go over some functionary's head in South Africa, I've thrown several adoptions into jeopardy by doing that. Now I know what Stephen meant when I heard him shout in my ear that I was going the wrong way. I'm really angry with myself, I hope I have not endangered these children by my impatience. Crying or Very sad

_________________
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.

~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

Fire Daughter · Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 2:18 pm Post subject:

Hey everyone, please keep Alex in your prayers. Mom got a call last night that he collapsed at work, so she left for Salem. She's there now, prelims show he has a KS intenstinal infection and flaring PCP. She's going to get him transfered to the hospital down in Bend, so Dr Liz can take care of him and it's closer to us.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers!

--Brooke
_________________
For Myles--
When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

For Mom--
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Fly...fly high against the sky...
Thank you, thank you, thank God for you
The wind beneath my wings

Menolly · Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 2:36 pm Post subject:

Fire Daughter, if I may...

Some of us are totally ignorant regarding many of the conditions associated with HIV and AIDS. Well...I know I am, anyway. Furls explained PCP just this past week to me via messenger; what is a KS infection?

Refuah shelema, Alex!
You were already in my prayers, but perhaps I can make them a little more fervent.

Group Hug

_________________

Fire Daughter · Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 6:04 pm Post subject:

Just heard from Mom, she's very upset, apparently they are refusing to ambulance transfer because of Medicaide restrictions. Of course Mom is telling them that she will pay for the transport privately, but they aren't budging. She's not very happy at the moment.

Here is a basic fact sheet on KS, Menolly: