stuck

lorin · Posted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 7:19 pm Post subject:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
_________________
The loudest truth I ever heard was the softest sound.

Vraith · Posted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 7:32 pm Post subject:

Oh...nice one Big Grin

Sooo....a man takes his parrot to the Vet, says "Doc, I'm worried, my parrot didn't say hello when I came home, and I can't wake him up!"
Vet says, "Sorry, your parrot is dead."
"Are you sure? You barely looked at him...whatever it takes, just make sure."
The vet leaves the room, comes back with a big black Retriever on a leash, the dog sniffs the bird a while then says, "Woof."
The vet takes the dog out, comes back with a Siamese, which sniffs the parrot, swats it a couple times, says, "Meow."
Vet says, "The bird is definitely dead," and hands the man a bill for 1800 dollars.
"1800! How can that be? All you did was tell me the parrot was dead!"
"I told you it was dead for free. You didn't believe me, so you have to pay for the Lab test and the Cat scan."

AAAANNND...my second favorite of all time:
Why'd the dead baby cross the road?
Cuz he was stapled to a chicken.
_________________
Spoiler:

Sig-man, Libtard, Stupid piece of shit. change your text color to brown. Mr. Reliable, bullshit-slinging liarFucker-user.

the difference between evidence and sources: whether they come from the horse's mouth or a horse's ass.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.

Rigel · Posted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 2:14 am Post subject:

Vraith · Posted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 2:31 am Post subject:

Harbinger · Posted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 4:23 am Post subject:

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an American were all seated together on a flight. The French guy commented, "Last night I made love to my wife for an hour and in the morning she made me a croissant and told me she could never love another."

"Hmmph," said the Italian. "Last night I made love to my wife for two hours and in the morning she made me frittatas and told me she could never love another."

"I made love to my wife last night," said the American.

"And what did she say to you in the moring," sneered the Frenchman.

"Don't stop," the American replied.
_________________
Never underestimate the power of denial. - Ricky Fitts

lorin · Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:44 pm Post subject:

MAYBE OFFENSIVE (DEPENDING ON THE READER)

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
_________________
The loudest truth I ever heard was the softest sound.

Harbinger · Posted: Sun Mar 21, 2010 12:33 am Post subject:

Oh my?! LOL.

Possibly offensive elderly joke:
Q:Spoiler:

What does 80 year old vajayjay smell like?

A:Spoiler:

Depends!

_________________
Never underestimate the power of denial. - Ricky Fitts

Holsety · Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 4:59 am Post subject:

Hey guys,
If you have any "obscure ethnicity" jokes which are barely even funny due to your lack of cultural understanding and gaps in time, you should post them here.

Here is a belgian joke from "A Dance to the Music of Time" which I don't entirely understand myself. It's not even told in its completion, and I don't have the skill to refine it to be more interesting.

I added a link that should help you figure out when to laugh.

stonemaybe · Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 11:07 am Post subject:

What do you call a guy floating on the sea?

Bob
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Aglithophile and conniptionist and spectacular moonbow beholder 16Jul11

(:/>

ur-bane · Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 1:16 pm Post subject:

Holsety.... "Nee" (pronounced "nay") is the sound a horse makes. "Nee" itself means maiden name, or name before marriage.
It's just horse-play on words. Very Happy

But.. an Italian, a Mexican and George Bush are walking through the desert. The Italian has a bottle of water, the Mexican a bag of oranges, and George Bush has a car door.
The Italian asks the Mexican "Why do you have those oranges?"
The Mexican replies, Well, if I get hungry, I have something to eat."
The Mexican continues, saying "What's the water for?"
The Italian replies, "Isn't it obvious? If I get thirsty I have something to drink."
They both look at George Bush and in unison ask "Why the hell do you have that car door?!?"

George replies, "Well, if I get hot, I can roll down the window."

Laughing

_________________

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want
to test a man's character, give him power.
--Abraham Lincoln

Excerpt from Animal Songs Never Written
"Hey, dad," croaked the vulture, "what are you eating?"
"Carrion, my wayward son."
"Will there be pieces when you are done?"

Holsety · Posted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 12:37 am Post subject:

Vraith · Posted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 4:55 pm Post subject:

This is one told to me sometime in the 1980's...it is not precisely "ethnic"...and I STILL don't get it, but it's supposedly very funny if you're from Maine:

An elderly man is sitting on his front porch. A car goes by, raising dust on the dirt road. A while later, it goes back the other way, then back the other way again...eventually, it pulls into the man's driveway. The driver gets out.
"Excuse me sir, I'm trying to find a town near here. Do you know where it is?"
"A-yuh."
"Can you give me directions."
"Now, don' ya move a gol darn inch."

That's it...that's the whole joke.
_________________
Spoiler:

Sig-man, Libtard, Stupid piece of shit. change your text color to brown. Mr. Reliable, bullshit-slinging liarFucker-user.

the difference between evidence and sources: whether they come from the horse's mouth or a horse's ass.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.

Orlion · Posted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 6:45 pm Post subject:

Ok, ok, bear with and trust me on this one....seriously....ok, here we go: Spoiler:

What do you call a black cook?

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Spoiler:

A cook, what are you, racist?

_________________
'Tis dream to think that Reason can
Govern the reasoning creature, man.
- Herman Melville

I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all!

"All creation is a huge, ornate, imaginary, and unintended fiction; if it could be deciphered it would yield a single shocking word."
-John Crowley

aliantha · Posted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 7:20 pm Post subject:

lorin · Posted: Sat May 08, 2010 1:55 pm Post subject:

Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer--we'd both still be alive.
_________________
The loudest truth I ever heard was the softest sound.