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lorin
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 7:27 pm    Post subject: stuck Reply with quote

sitting in a jury pool.

so friggin bored

someone tell me a joke...............
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 7:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two cannibals are eating a clown. Says one "Tastes kinda funny."

They recently had a look-alike contest in China. They all won.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.
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lorin
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 8:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Vader wrote:

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.


Big Grin
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 8:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A monastery in the English countryside has fallen on hard times, and the monks decide to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over.

One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, "I suppose you're the 'fish friar?"

"No," answered the brother, straight-faced. "I'm the 'chip monk.'"
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2010 8:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.







"Should I tell her the war is over?''
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 4:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Purely out of interest...

Quote:
Online Jurors Cause court Chaos

San Francisco - Enough with the tweets, the blogs, the internet searches.

That's the message being communicated by courts across the US as jurors using their portable electronic devices continue to cause mistrials, overturned convictions and chaotic delays in court proceedings.

Last year a San Francisco Superior Court judge dismissed 600 potential jurors after several acknowledged going online to research the criminal case before them.

Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon challenged her misdemeanour embezzlement conviction after discovering five jurors "friended" one another on Facebook during the trial.

And a federal judge in Florida declared a mistrial after eight jurors admitted to web surfing about a drug case.

21st century rules

The rules for jury service in state and federal courts alike are evolving to grapple with this 21st century issue. New jury instructions are being adopted and electronics are being banned from courtrooms.

In January, the federal court's top administrative office, the Judicial Conference of the United States, issued so-called "Twitter instructions" to every federal judge, which are designed to be read to jurors at the start of the trial and before deliberations.

"You may not use any electronic device or media" in connection with the case, the recommended federal instructions admonish. They also bar visits to "any internet chat room, blog, or website such as Facebook, My Space, LinkedIn, YouTube or Twitter".

The guidelines were developed "to address the increasing incidence of juror use of such devices as cellphones or computers to conduct research on the internet or communicate with others about cases," according to a memo to federal judges from the committee's chief, US District Court Judge Julie Robinson of Topeka, Kansas.

Criminal tweeting

"Such use," the judge noted, "has resulted in mistrials, exclusion of jurors, and imposition of fines."

While federal judges can ignore those guidelines, some state judges are not so free.

The Supreme Court in Michigan ordered judges there starting on September 1 to order jurors to refrain from using cellphones, computers and other electronic devices to discuss cases before them.

San Francisco Superior Court on January 1 began including such instructions after some of the 600 jurors said they went online because there were no explicit prohibitions against such independent research.

"You may not do research about any issues involved in the case," the new instruction states. "You may not blog, Tweet, or use the internet to obtain or share information."

A California legislator last month introduced a bill that would charge wayward jurors with a crime.

Electronics banned

Several courts from Fort Wayne, Indiana, to tiny Malheur County in eastern Oregon have gone so far as to completely ban electronic devices.

After electronic communications caused two mistrials, St Paul, Minnesota, residents called to jury duty are now warned: "Do not bring wireless communication devices: phones, pagers and PDAs. Phones are available in the Jury Assembly Room."

The issue first surfaced a few years ago, but has only in the last few months garnered widespread attention because of the increased number of high-profile and disruptive incidents.

"Everyone now has the technology," said New York media lawyer Eric Robinson, who blogs about the issue for Harvard University's Citizen Law Media Project website. He said so many people obsessively "tweet" throughout the day that it has almost become an unconscious action.

Robinson said until such behaviour is labelled as bad etiquette, tweeting and blogging jurors will continue to frustrate judges.

He said two appeals courts in Maryland and one in New Jersey have so far reversed criminal convictions because of jurors' use of technology.

While federal judges hope the new jury instructions will significantly limit jury problems, the National Centre for State Courts in Williamsburg, Virginia, said state judges continue to grapple with how best to deal with the issue.

"The thing that makes the electronic media issue a little different is that it is so accessible and anonymous," said Greg Hurley, an analyst at the centre. "Jurors face exposure if they go to the library or drive by a crime scene - but there's little risk in going online."

- AP


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 11:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The nuns were sprucing up the convent. The Mother Superior took a couple nuns into one of the rooms that needed painting. "But don't get a drop on your habits," she warned.

The two didn't know how they could possibly avoid getting paint on their habits while painting. Eventually, they decided to lock the door, take off their habits, and paint naked.

Things were going very well. Then, there was a knock on the door. They looked at each other in fear. Finally, one asked, "Who is it?"

"Blind man."

After a quick, whispered debate, they decided there was no harm in a blind man being in the room with them when they were naked. So they opened the door and told the man to come in. He came in, and, after a few moments, said, "Nice boobs. Where do you want these blinds?"
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 3:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fist and Faith wrote:
The nuns were sprucing up the convent. The Mother Superior took a couple nuns into one of the rooms that needed painting. "But don't get a drop on your habits," she warned.

The two didn't know how they could possibly avoid getting paint on their habits while painting. Eventually, they decided to lock the door, take off their habits, and paint naked.

Things were going very well. Then, there was a knock on the door. They looked at each other in fear. Finally, one asked, "Who is it?"

"Blind man."

After a quick, whispered debate, they decided there was no harm in a blind man being in the room with them when they were naked. So they opened the door and told the man to come in. He came in, and, after a few moments, said, "Nice boobs. Where do you want these blinds?"


Rolling Eyes This joke is older than me...
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Fly...fly high against the sky...
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You think that joke's old? Try this one:

There once was a guy famous for building houses, and the key part of his fame was that he never had any leftover material. So one day a very rich couple hired the man to build their house. The one thing that they wanted was for it to be made out of blue bricks. Just as he finished the house, the builder noticed that there was one blue brick left. Not wanting to risk his reputation, he decided he had to get rid of the brick. I guess since he never had any leftover material, there wasn't a dumpster for him to throw it in. There was nowhere on the house he could put it without it sticking out. So he decides to just throw the brick in the air. On the first throw it went up about ten feet then fell back down. On the second it went up twenty feet before falling back down. On the third throw... it doesn't come back down. The couple paid the man a million dollars for building the house, and his fame lived on as the man who never wasted a single brick.
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-George Steiner
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 9:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That almost happened to me. I wrote back and said that I had no respect for the American legal system and that I was sick of frivolous lawsuits, rapists, robbers and child molesters getting out early to make room for marijuana dealers, and I rambled on about some other stuff. Anyway, I got a letter back saying I was excused. I haven't been called back either. That was 17 years ago.
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lorin
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 10:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lorin wrote:
One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a group of Wall Street executives...

Fixed that for you.
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lorin
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 11:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Syl wrote:
lorin wrote:
One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a group of Wall Street executives...

Fixed that for you.


Big Grin Big Grin
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 4:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So, this businessman is on an airplane. He sits down in his first class seat, and all of a sudden he starts sneezing. He's on his fifth sneeze when he notices the lady in the seat next to him as a poodle under her coat. The plane taxis out, takes off, and has been in the air for about ten minutes. The little ding goes off, and as everyone unfastens their seat belts, the businessman pulls out a cigar and lights up. The woman next to him is furious.

"You can't smoke on an airplane! Put that out!" she yells.

The man looks at her and says, "Hey, I paid good money for first class. I'll smoke if I feel like it."

The lady immediately calls for the flight attendant. "Ma'am, this man is smoking," she tells her.

The flight attendant looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to put that out. There's no smoking."

"Oh yeah? Well what about the dog that lady's hiding under her coat? I've been sneezing since I got on this plane."

"He's right, ma'am. Dogs aren't allowed either. I'll have to take both of these away. You can have them back when we land."

They agree that this is fair, and the flight attendant takes the dog and the cigar away.

A few minutes later, the man looks out his window. What do you think he sees sitting on the wing? The poodle. And what do you think he has in his mouth?



...



....



.....


A blue brick.
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 6:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Syl wrote:
A blue brick.


?

I don't get it Sad
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 12:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You have to read the one before.
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why are New Yorkers so depressed?

Spoiler:
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.



Ahaahahahahahaha.
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 4:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Syl wrote:
You have to read the one before.


Heh..I heard this one in four parts years ago. There was also a parrot involved, the parrot had the brick, the poodle was smoking a cigar.
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 13, 2010 3:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You are most prob out of the jury pool by now lorin, but here is another old one that's still in my top 10:

Three racehorses were in the stable bragging to eachother.
First horse says, 'I've been in 40 races and only lost twice.'
Second horse says, 'Well, I've been in 50 races and only lost once.'
Third horse says, 'Ha! I've never lost a race and even beat Secretariat!'
Overhearing this, a greyhound dog walks up to them and says, 'That's nothing. I've been in over 200 races and have won every race by at least 3 lengths.'
All the horses stare at the dog, mouths gapping open, eyes wide in amazement. First horse says, 'Oh my god! A talking dog!'
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 13, 2010 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holsety wrote:
Why are New Yorkers so depressed?

Spoiler:
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.



Ahaahahahahahaha.



Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin
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